30 Weeks/Update

When is your due date? 5/1/2010
What week are you in? 30
How much weight have you gained? 8 pounds total so far
Have you had an ultrasound? Yes, quite a few
Do you know the gender of your baby? If so, what? Yup, boy
Do you have a name picked out? What? Liam Alexander or Ethan Riley
Is the child being named after someone? Nope
Who is going to be with you during delivery? My mommy and my sister
Natural or medicated childbirth? Give me the drugs!
How are you feeling right about now? Pretty good, anxious
What was the first thing you bought for baby? An outfit
Do you feel you are ready to have a baby? I am definitely ready for him to be here. Wish I was a little more financially stable and me and his father were together, but I am ready.
Are you excited or scared about delivery? Both. Excited for the outcome, scared for the process
Any food cravings? I keep craving a good ol' margarita. Haven't given in ;-)
Anything you loved before that you absolutely cannot eat anymore? Nothing that I won't be able to soon!
Anything else you'd like to share or vent about? Read on for update!

Anyone that knows what has been going on or has been keeping up on my blog knows that Ben and I hadn't spoken. More like, he wouldn't talk to me. Well he has since come to his senses, in that regard anyway, and I believe we have really reached a conclusion to back and forth mess. For now. He and I will not be a couple ever again and maybe friendship is something I will consider years from now, but at this point we have a cordial agreement for our son. He said he wants to be there for the baby and as long as he shows he can be a good, responsible father I will not take that away. He and I are not going to speak unless it has to do with the baby. I am giving him all updates on doctors appointments and sending him ultrasound pictures. I am not allowing him to attend doctor's appointments or the birth. I know some of you will disagree with that decision, but this is my life. I have been through an extreme amount of stress and hurt during my pregnancy and I only want people around who uplift me and support me. Pregnancy is a special time that a woman chooses to share with a man and he has lost everything with me, including that. I am still consulting him on the name and asking for his opinion on important things and I think after everything he has put me through I am being generous. As long as he keeps up with his part of the financial responsibilities and makes his son a priority in his life, not a once a month optional hang out time, he will be a big part in his child's life. That brings me to "child support". For all the single mother's out there, approximately how much money do you get a month for one child from someone with about a 29,000/yr income? We aren't going through the courts, so we will be responsible for coming up with an amount. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I want to make sure he does his share. I mean diapers, health insurance, daycare, eventually food, that really adds up. That isn't something I am too concerned with hashing out at the moment, but I know it will be a sore subject with him, so I want to make sure I am prepared with the facts.

All that being said, how am I really doing with it? After my blog a week or so ago, you'd think I would be dying. Surprisingly, I feel pretty good. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. I love Ben and I am sure I always will. There is a lot I miss about him and us. It hurts talking to him and thinking about having to see him. I hate giving up my dream of a family with him. Right now I still block out the good times, to help get through the hurt. However, I am much more objective now that I haven't seen him in over a month. I am seeing the things I didn't before and I know I deserve a lot better. I feel like I have closure. I have done everything I can and what he is willing to give just isn't enough for me. Although I am scared it is going to be hard, I am so happy my son will have his father in his life. I am relieved I will have financial help and I can provide him the life I want to. I am worried about how I will be when I have to let my son spend time away from me with his dad, even more so with his dad and any female in his life. But that won't be for awhile and luckily for me I get to be involved in any decision to bring a third party into my son's life. He won't be confused and I will be his only mother ever. No "step-mom" no "mom2", none of that crap. Maybe that is selfish, but I don't care. Anyway, I am not healed, I am not happy with the way things have turned out, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time in awhile, I feel like eventually I will be able to be happy again.

Oh and how could I forget? (Well that's easy, I'm a pregnant lady). I went to the doctor's today. They were running behind like crazy. Nothing too mind blowing. Got to hear my son's heart, my sweet baby. I tested negative for gestational diabetes and everything was good. Doc is proud I have only gained 8 pounds my whole pregnancy.

That's about it for tonight! Much love!