How I feel...(WARNING: Not a blog about pregnancy update)

As I posted earlier, well technically yesterday, I went out with a couple of guys from my old crew tonight to celebrate my milestone, but now that I am home, I just don't think I was ready. I am trying to be happy and positive and look on the bright side about all the wonderful things I have or will have, but I am just not doing as well as people think. It has been over two weeks since Ben and I split up and I have not heard a word from him. Every day it is still a struggle to get out of bed. I don't listen to the radio because I don't want to hear love songs and too many songs remind me of him. I don't watch movies that have any romance in them. I can't even watch some of my TV shows like American Idol because it brings back too many memories. I still sleep with his pants and leave room on my bed. Every day I check my phone and email and I hear nothing. Every time I come home I hope he is waiting for me. I think he believes he is punishing me because I am the one who broke up with him. I had a lot of good reasons, but none seem good enough now. I have good days where I won't contact him and I have days where i give in. The bad days are more than the good right now. I know no matter what I say I won't get a response. I hate talking about the whole thing and answering questions, but everyone wants to know and give their opinion on what I should do. I know they are just trying to be supportive, but if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Some people I do and I feel bad because they are tired of it too. Since Ben and I have been together I believe our yo-yo breaking up has my relationship with Travis beat and that was pretty hard to accomplish. I am embarrassed, mad, and sad and I can't talk about it without breaking down. I know I am closing myself off this time and bottling it in, pretending to be okay, but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I keep waiting for the day I wake up and I am okay. I can't bear to get rid of his stuff or emails and pictures. He was more than my boyfriend and there is so much history and good times I have lost. I want my son to have his dad so bad, but I don't think I am strong enough to have him in my life. I don't want to hear about his new girlfriends and I don't want my kid to ever call anyone else mom, even step. Plus if smoking in the house you will raise your baby in is any indication of what he thinks is a responsible father, I can't trust him with the baby. I tell you I asked for one thing since I don't know, month 4, mop the bathroom floors so there is no hair and dirt on them. Even on January 18th when we split, the floors were the exact same. I couldn't leave our son with him if he can't even clean up after himself, that scares me. Everyone tells me to go after him for child support, but I don't want to because I know he doesn't have the money and I can't deal with being in contact or seeing him, even through court. So instead I will go without and do what I have to even if that includes being humiliated and having my blood drawn in a Wic office where I am the minority or getting state assistance through DES. I am skipping childbirthing classes because I am too embarrassed to ask my sister or a friend. I really wanted him to go and ever time I think about giving birth without him I am heartbroken. Everyone says "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle" or "It will work out the way it is supposed to," but out of everything I have ever wanted or wished for in my life, this is the one thing I really really wanted to work. So much so I tried and admitting guilt and took blame when I knew I wasn't. I tried so hard, but I guess one sided trying doesn't make things work out. I guess I can't say he didn't try because he did, in the end, he just didn't want the same things I did and we didn't share the same outlook on how our lives should be. I don't think it was lack of love, I just think he wasn't ready to be in the place that I am. I miss the fun times too, eating Twizzlers and being silly, but we have responsibilities now and certain things will always have to take priority. I know somewhere along the way we lost a lot of what we loved about each other and why we were together in the first place. Why looking back do we always remember them, but never when it is important? It hurts knowing that I am someone he can just walk away from, like all of his other girlfriends. Well, not exactly, since he still keeps all of them around. I don't know how he can walk away from our son. Even if you go with the theory that he is just biding his time until he is born, how can you go without updates and want to know how your kid is. I will just never understand it. Our son is what is keeping me going. Lord knows I love my little dog more than just about anything right now, but I think of watching my baby smile for the first time, teaching him to swim, ride a bike and that is what gets me through. Its like a double edged sword though because those things make me happy, but they also make me sad because I want Ben to be there too. I don't want my son to be another statistic, another kid that comes from a broken home or absence of a father. I don't want anyone to think I want things to work out with Ben solely for that purpose though. I want him because I love him and everything that has brought us from ten years ago until now. Well, two weeks ago. I love the way he made me laugh, how he didn't judge people, how he made me feel beautiful, how he got me to like cuddling. I love how his chest felt under my head and how nice and strong his hands are and beautiful his skin is. He has a gorgeous smile that makes me cry every time I look at his picture. He is much smarter and has a lot more potential than he gives himself credit for. I think that was part of the problem, I pushed him to go after things, be someone, which I know he can be. I really wish I had the rewind remote or an eraser because I would kill to go back in time and fix everything. I need to accept the reality that its not getting fixed, this is how its going to be and this is my life. I will just keep waiting for that day I wake up and I am okay.