Friday, February 19, 2010

30 Weeks/Update



When is your due date? 5/1/2010
What week are you in? 30
How much weight have you gained? 8 pounds total so far
Have you had an ultrasound? Yes, quite a few
Do you know the gender of your baby? If so, what? Yup, boy
Do you have a name picked out? What? Liam Alexander or Ethan Riley
Is the child being named after someone? Nope
Who is going to be with you during delivery? My mommy and my sister
Natural or medicated childbirth? Give me the drugs!
How are you feeling right about now? Pretty good, anxious
What was the first thing you bought for baby? An outfit
Do you feel you are ready to have a baby? I am definitely ready for him to be here. Wish I was a little more financially stable and me and his father were together, but I am ready.
Are you excited or scared about delivery? Both. Excited for the outcome, scared for the process
Any food cravings? I keep craving a good ol' margarita. Haven't given in ;-)
Anything you loved before that you absolutely cannot eat anymore? Nothing that I won't be able to soon!
Anything else you'd like to share or vent about? Read on for update!

Anyone that knows what has been going on or has been keeping up on my blog knows that Ben and I hadn't spoken. More like, he wouldn't talk to me. Well he has since come to his senses, in that regard anyway, and I believe we have really reached a conclusion to back and forth mess. For now. He and I will not be a couple ever again and maybe friendship is something I will consider years from now, but at this point we have a cordial agreement for our son. He said he wants to be there for the baby and as long as he shows he can be a good, responsible father I will not take that away. He and I are not going to speak unless it has to do with the baby. I am giving him all updates on doctors appointments and sending him ultrasound pictures. I am not allowing him to attend doctor's appointments or the birth. I know some of you will disagree with that decision, but this is my life. I have been through an extreme amount of stress and hurt during my pregnancy and I only want people around who uplift me and support me. Pregnancy is a special time that a woman chooses to share with a man and he has lost everything with me, including that. I am still consulting him on the name and asking for his opinion on important things and I think after everything he has put me through I am being generous. As long as he keeps up with his part of the financial responsibilities and makes his son a priority in his life, not a once a month optional hang out time, he will be a big part in his child's life. That brings me to "child support". For all the single mother's out there, approximately how much money do you get a month for one child from someone with about a 29,000/yr income? We aren't going through the courts, so we will be responsible for coming up with an amount. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I want to make sure he does his share. I mean diapers, health insurance, daycare, eventually food, that really adds up. That isn't something I am too concerned with hashing out at the moment, but I know it will be a sore subject with him, so I want to make sure I am prepared with the facts.

All that being said, how am I really doing with it? After my blog a week or so ago, you'd think I would be dying. Surprisingly, I feel pretty good. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. I love Ben and I am sure I always will. There is a lot I miss about him and us. It hurts talking to him and thinking about having to see him. I hate giving up my dream of a family with him. Right now I still block out the good times, to help get through the hurt. However, I am much more objective now that I haven't seen him in over a month. I am seeing the things I didn't before and I know I deserve a lot better. I feel like I have closure. I have done everything I can and what he is willing to give just isn't enough for me. Although I am scared it is going to be hard, I am so happy my son will have his father in his life. I am relieved I will have financial help and I can provide him the life I want to. I am worried about how I will be when I have to let my son spend time away from me with his dad, even more so with his dad and any female in his life. But that won't be for awhile and luckily for me I get to be involved in any decision to bring a third party into my son's life. He won't be confused and I will be his only mother ever. No "step-mom" no "mom2", none of that crap. Maybe that is selfish, but I don't care. Anyway, I am not healed, I am not happy with the way things have turned out, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time in awhile, I feel like eventually I will be able to be happy again.

Oh and how could I forget? (Well that's easy, I'm a pregnant lady). I went to the doctor's today. They were running behind like crazy. Nothing too mind blowing. Got to hear my son's heart, my sweet baby. I tested negative for gestational diabetes and everything was good. Doc is proud I have only gained 8 pounds my whole pregnancy.

That's about it for tonight! Much love!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

29 Weeks

Mommy still loves her makeup ♥ Pink, my only attempt at the spirit of the week

How far along?: 29 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I was the same as my last dr. appt when I went to the Wic office
Maternity clothes?: Yes I got three shirts from Wally World
Stretch marks?: Yes, I hate them.
Sleep: Bad insomnia. My sleep schedule is so messed up.
Best moment this week: Got my kiddo's car seat
Food cravings: Nothing really new
Gender: My baby boy
Labor Signs: I have started cramping once in a while
Belly Button in or out?: In
What I miss: Cycling
What I am looking forward to: Moving, baby shower
Weekly Wisdom: "If he is stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go"
Milestones: Meh, getting through this stupid holiday



Also want to say one of the biggest supporters of my pregnancy and one of the coolest girls ever had her birthday this weekend.

Happy 24th Elena!


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Government Assistance

This blog topic may get a little hairy, so I will ask if you are easily offended to please just skip this and read my next blog :-). Today I had my first official appointment at the Wic office. My appointment was at 3:30 at the Guadalupe location. I am by no means racist, but I was definitely the minority and quite uncomfortable. Maybe its the hormones, but I had to keep telling myself "you're not pathetic" and don't cry. Like I said, my appointment was at 3:30, 4:15 rolls around and I go up to the office and the lady says "who are you again?" Seriously?!?! It's only like a 12x12 waiting room and I have been here for 45 minutes. She assures me it will only be a few more minutes, but there is still someone in front of me. At this point I'm starting to get really ticked off because I am watching people who arrived after me go in. So I start talking to the other receptionist guy and he was like well I'll start doing your paperwork so it will go faster. Then the girl says, well I guess since the other people were walk ins and arrived after her she can go first. ??????????. Yes, ?????????. Now I am really p.o.ed. Since when do you send walk-ins before appointments? Well I finally get back there and have to answer all of these weird questions. I asked the lady about eligibility requirements for when I start working and it is ridiculous. I am taking a significant pay cut to work with Bank of America, starting only at 13.50, but I barely skim by on the income. When my rent right now for a one bedroom apartment is $700, my car payment is $300 and I already live paycheck to paycheck making more than $13.50, how am I going to afford to provide a decent life for my child? The eligibility requirements increase the more children you have, so let's think about that for a minute. Now this really irks me. My feelings about it are actually expletives, but I'm tyring to cut back on those. I guess the U.S. citizens tax dollars only go to people who pop out lots of children and are jobless. I have no problem with stay at home mothers because their partners support them or whatnot, but this is different. I do not pay all this money to the government for baby makers to live on welfare and other government programs and when I am a single mother trying to just do what I can to get by and give my son a good life, I don't "qualify for anything." That message is clear, don't try, just live off the government. Not that you really get much on this program. For example, $8 a month for fresh fruit and vegetables. What the heck grocery store are these people shopping at? Thats what, 3 tomatoes these days? It's stupid.

By the way, what is it about pregnancy that says "poke me!"? As if us pregnant ladies do not get poked and prodded enough they had to poke my finger today. Something about unwrapped pokers out of a walmart tupperware caddy doesn't sit well with me. Like, why the heck do you need to know about my iron? Are you my doctor or does it add .50 cents to my checks. Really!? Anyway, today sucked.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Meaning of Family

“The love of a family is life's greatest blessing.”

"If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”

"Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts."

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."


If there is one virtue I want to instill in my son, it is the importance of family. When I reflect on my life the most meaningful and cherished memories I have are with my family. Not everyone is as lucky to have a tight-knit family like ours. Though we aren't as close as we would like to be anymore, the love still remains strong, even miles apart. I know when times get hard I can call my Aunt Leen or drive down to my Aunt Cathy's. Some people go days, weeks, years without speaking to their family and for them I feel very sad. Missing out on the love of a family is one of life's tragedies. Sure, sometimes families disagree or fight, but to disown yourself or your family is not an option in my eyes. Families stand by eachother through thick and thin, even when it seems unbearable. At least my family does and for that I consider myself very lucky. My grandparents were my angels and now they truly are, my mom is one of my best friends and I know there is not a single relative I couldn't turn to. That is what I want for my son. I want him to know that no matter what happens in his life there will always be this unit to love him and support him, unconditionally. If that can only be mommy's side of the family, so be it. We have enough people and enough love to last him a lifetime. But no matter what, just like the quote said, we cannot change where we come from and it will forever be a part of us. He will always be an Apuan and I am sad he will not know his history. His great grandfather just died (Don't ask how I know that, its semi-stalkerish :-))and it rips me apart to know he will never know where he came from and have even more people he can turn to. Unfortunately, that is something I am unable to change. All I can do is show him and teach him how I was raised by my grandparents, parents, and family. It takes a village to raise a child. Everything I know and everything I am is because of them. Each moment in life is precious and we should never take it forgranted because you never know how fast it can be taken away. If I died in childbirth I would know I leave behind wonderful memories and an amazing family to raise my son and I could go be with more of my amazing family who has gone before me. There are a lot of people who can't say that. To all of my family, thank you and I love you. To my son, I love you more than you know.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Baby's "First Superbowl"

Go Colts!!! At this point I am beginning to think my little guy is going to be a kicker in the NFL someday, but I am sure every mom goes through that! I would totally love a son in the NFL, but I am going to support my child in anything he wants to do. It is important that he knows he can be whoever or whatever he wants, but his mommy will still love him if he is a nobody. He will just be working hard to put me in a nice nursing home! :-) Well we are ready to eat some good food and cheer for the second best team in the NFL, #1 quarterback!



♥ ♥ Sporting the blue and white baby ♥ ♥


Mommy could sure use a margarita.....


How I feel...(WARNING: Not a blog about pregnancy update)

As I posted earlier, well technically yesterday, I went out with a couple of guys from my old crew tonight to celebrate my milestone, but now that I am home, I just don't think I was ready. I am trying to be happy and positive and look on the bright side about all the wonderful things I have or will have, but I am just not doing as well as people think. It has been over two weeks since Ben and I split up and I have not heard a word from him. Every day it is still a struggle to get out of bed. I don't listen to the radio because I don't want to hear love songs and too many songs remind me of him. I don't watch movies that have any romance in them. I can't even watch some of my TV shows like American Idol because it brings back too many memories. I still sleep with his pants and leave room on my bed. Every day I check my phone and email and I hear nothing. Every time I come home I hope he is waiting for me. I think he believes he is punishing me because I am the one who broke up with him. I had a lot of good reasons, but none seem good enough now. I have good days where I won't contact him and I have days where i give in. The bad days are more than the good right now. I know no matter what I say I won't get a response. I hate talking about the whole thing and answering questions, but everyone wants to know and give their opinion on what I should do. I know they are just trying to be supportive, but if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Some people I do and I feel bad because they are tired of it too. Since Ben and I have been together I believe our yo-yo breaking up has my relationship with Travis beat and that was pretty hard to accomplish. I am embarrassed, mad, and sad and I can't talk about it without breaking down. I know I am closing myself off this time and bottling it in, pretending to be okay, but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I keep waiting for the day I wake up and I am okay. I can't bear to get rid of his stuff or emails and pictures. He was more than my boyfriend and there is so much history and good times I have lost. I want my son to have his dad so bad, but I don't think I am strong enough to have him in my life. I don't want to hear about his new girlfriends and I don't want my kid to ever call anyone else mom, even step. Plus if smoking in the house you will raise your baby in is any indication of what he thinks is a responsible father, I can't trust him with the baby. I tell you I asked for one thing since I don't know, month 4, mop the bathroom floors so there is no hair and dirt on them. Even on January 18th when we split, the floors were the exact same. I couldn't leave our son with him if he can't even clean up after himself, that scares me. Everyone tells me to go after him for child support, but I don't want to because I know he doesn't have the money and I can't deal with being in contact or seeing him, even through court. So instead I will go without and do what I have to even if that includes being humiliated and having my blood drawn in a Wic office where I am the minority or getting state assistance through DES. I am skipping childbirthing classes because I am too embarrassed to ask my sister or a friend. I really wanted him to go and ever time I think about giving birth without him I am heartbroken. Everyone says "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle" or "It will work out the way it is supposed to," but out of everything I have ever wanted or wished for in my life, this is the one thing I really really wanted to work. So much so I tried and admitting guilt and took blame when I knew I wasn't. I tried so hard, but I guess one sided trying doesn't make things work out. I guess I can't say he didn't try because he did, in the end, he just didn't want the same things I did and we didn't share the same outlook on how our lives should be. I don't think it was lack of love, I just think he wasn't ready to be in the place that I am. I miss the fun times too, eating Twizzlers and being silly, but we have responsibilities now and certain things will always have to take priority. I know somewhere along the way we lost a lot of what we loved about each other and why we were together in the first place. Why looking back do we always remember them, but never when it is important? It hurts knowing that I am someone he can just walk away from, like all of his other girlfriends. Well, not exactly, since he still keeps all of them around. I don't know how he can walk away from our son. Even if you go with the theory that he is just biding his time until he is born, how can you go without updates and want to know how your kid is. I will just never understand it. Our son is what is keeping me going. Lord knows I love my little dog more than just about anything right now, but I think of watching my baby smile for the first time, teaching him to swim, ride a bike and that is what gets me through. Its like a double edged sword though because those things make me happy, but they also make me sad because I want Ben to be there too. I don't want my son to be another statistic, another kid that comes from a broken home or absence of a father. I don't want anyone to think I want things to work out with Ben solely for that purpose though. I want him because I love him and everything that has brought us from ten years ago until now. Well, two weeks ago. I love the way he made me laugh, how he didn't judge people, how he made me feel beautiful, how he got me to like cuddling. I love how his chest felt under my head and how nice and strong his hands are and beautiful his skin is. He has a gorgeous smile that makes me cry every time I look at his picture. He is much smarter and has a lot more potential than he gives himself credit for. I think that was part of the problem, I pushed him to go after things, be someone, which I know he can be. I really wish I had the rewind remote or an eraser because I would kill to go back in time and fix everything. I need to accept the reality that its not getting fixed, this is how its going to be and this is my life. I will just keep waiting for that day I wake up and I am okay.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

THIRD TRIMESTER!!!

Today I am 28 weeks and I am officially in my THIRD (AND FINAL) TRIMESTER!! If that isn't exciting, I don't know what is! So I am actually going out to celebrate which I haven't done in a long time! I am putting up a non-belly picture, but please excuse the unruly tatas, they just won't stop growing.



How far along?: 28 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I went up 5 pounds since my last appointment.
Maternity clothes?: Nothin' new.
Stretch marks?: Yes :-(
Sleep: Terrible. I wake up a lot, the dreams kill me and I am so uncomfortable.
Best moment this week: Hitting the last trimester!!
Food cravings: Fresh food, nothing processed even sounds appetizing.
Gender: My baby boy
Labor Signs: I think I am getting Braxton Hicks now...cramping.
Belly Button in or out?: In
What I miss: Daddy
What I am looking forward to: My baby shower
Weekly Wisdom: Get a lot of sleep now because you won't be in three months. *sigh*
Milestones: 7 months, THIRD TRIMESTER

And just for fun:

TOP FIVE REASONS I AM GLAD I AM HAVING A BOY:
1. Boys are naturally into sports more than girls
2. "Boys are easier to raise than girls"
3. Boys are not as easily pressured by media about image
4. Boys are not as whiney
5. Boys don't come home knocked up :-)

Friday, February 5, 2010

Baby Shower!



Baby shower invitations went out today!! I am so stoked!! Only a month and then P-A-R-T-Y, well kind of. I am really just excited to see all the important ladies of my life and talk about the most important man in my life, my son!

I am so sore the last two days, I can barely breathe and my spine feels like it is crumbling inside!! I just don't know how I can possibly stretch anymore, but I am going to, a lot! Not to mention my legs feel like throbbing dead weight and my limbs randomly fall asleep. The only time I am semi-comfortable is laying in bed, so instead of packing like I should be, I am laying here typing a blog! Okay, okay, so I am complaining, sue me.

I really need to decide on my son's name. It is such a hard decision, but I keep telling everyone I will know by the baby shower. AAHH. I still really love Ethan Riley, but I can't get past Liam. Nothing has jumped out at me that flows really well. It is a tough choice to make alone! Part of me wants to name him Liam Benjamin, but I know I will totally regret that choice later. Maybe it will just come to me...

This is just a short blog, I'll write more tomorrow as it is a big day!! Can anyone guess??

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Insomnia and Pregnancy

Turning your mind off long enough to fall asleep after a break up, really hard....turning your mind off long to fall asleep after a break WHILE pregnant, nearly impossible. Soooooo..... what do I do?



Read only the best book EVER! It's way better than the "He's Just Not That Into You" one, but it is from the same authors. I love reading the psycho confessionals. TOO funny. Ideas?? Just kidding! It is really rough trying to get comfortable. Pillows all around and between limbs. It's outta control. I miss someone holding a heating pad for me. But that's alright, I'll make it through!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Glucose Test.... Yikes!

Well today I woke up late and mixed my soy milk/chocolate protein shake and thought, "Well maybe I should check and see when my next doctor's appointment is". So I drowsily shuffle over to my purse to get my appointment card and OMG it's today!! Well luckily I didn't miss it, but I wasn't supposed to drink milk!! So I called and thankfully they said it should be ok. So now, I'm freaking out about this drink I have to down that everyone who has been pregnant is telling me is so nasty and all of their horror stories.

Before (Notice the scared face)


After (All smiles)



You babies!!! It wasn't that bad!! The worst was getting my blood drawn. Big Big sad face :-(. But have I mentioned I absolutely love my doctor. Had some interesting conversation about cicrumcision and having it done or not having it done to match the father. Not that it would match anyway. I should have said it doesn't matter since his father isn't around, but no more embarassment works for me this week, the Wic office was enough!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Embracing the Pregnant Belly :-)

Here we are visiting grandparents at 27 weeks! I am getting so big, but that means so is my baby! 13 more weeks!

I love my son!


Side View!


I can't wait until he is old enough to play in the snow w/ Mommy!


Both of my babies!